I smell stomach acid.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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