i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
