and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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