your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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