it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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