i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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