If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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