Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
