i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
