Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
