i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
