apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
