Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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