His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
