I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Randomize
