so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
