the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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