I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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