She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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