he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
