i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
