You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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