I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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