I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize