I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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