No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
