of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
