Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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