Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
