Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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