her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
