Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
