Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
