Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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