i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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