whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize