false alarm. still invincible.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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