never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
did i walk over a car last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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