I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
