this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize