God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you inspire me to be a worse person
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
