Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize