Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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