He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
