Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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