I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize