'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
