I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize