Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize