we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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