i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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