i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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