You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize