Umm I'm too high to move.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
