she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
