If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
