I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
