Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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